A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.” – Don Marquis
“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” – Arthur C. Clarke
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb
“What’s another word for Thesaurus?” – Steven Wright
“I am only human, although I regret it.” – Mark Twain
Funny Short Quotes
“Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers
“Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.” – Gilbert Gottfried
“If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable.” – Larry David
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin
“I didn’t give you the finger, you earned it.” – BIll Murray
“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” – David Lee Roth
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” – Miles Kington
“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.” – Steven Wright
“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” – Charles de Gaulle
“Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.” – Jessica Simpson
“Once you give up integrity, the rest is a piece of cake.” – J.R. Ewing, Dallas
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” – Steven Wright
“Work is the curse of the drinking classes.” – Oscar Wilde
“A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” – William James
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